Dalek Snowdon for Mayor

For the 2007 New Zealand municipal elections, a group called the Rogues & Vagabonds ran a Dalek for mayor of Auckland. The following analysis was written for the Dalek’s candidacy and appeared in various local media.
Note for American readers: A “nappy” is a diaper; “rates” are property taxes.

An old political aphorism states that politicians, like nappies, should be changed frequently, and for the same reason. The sudden emergence of Dalek Snowdon into the Auckland mayoral race throws a new light onto the basic yearning that we all have to “toss the bums out” and start with something completely new.

Dalek Snowdon

That Dalek Snowdon is in the race at all, and taken seriously by his opponents, is itself an accomplishment of which the entire Dalek community might justifiably be proud. Daleks, on the whole, have not enjoyed good press coverage; they are generally protrayed as irritable, selfish-minded and fundamentally dangerous to carbon-based life. Yet Snowdon has cleverly turned this image to his political advantage, as these are the very characteristics that Aucklanders have demonstrated, time and again, that they want in their mayors.

What, for example, could be more threatening to carbon life-forms than John Banks’ Eastern Motorway? No wonder he leads in the latest polls. What could be more selfish-minded than Dick Hubbard’s attempted power grab over an Auckland megacity? The last several mayors have shown a striking disregard for their human subjects — skyrocketing rates, deteriorating public services, inbuilt corruption in the planning process, and the fostering of a privileged class of bureaucrats insulated from the normal checks and balances of a democracy. Yet this contempt for humanity is precisely what Daleks are most famous for. Dalek Snowdon has seen an opportunity here, and has not been slow to capitalise on it.

But could a Dalek really get elected to City Hall? The Dalek community in Auckland numbers only about 130; even Doctor Who fans outnumber them. In order to have a serious chance, Dalek Snowdon will have to appeal to human voters, and to do that, he must establish a political persona that makes him stand out from the other candidates. That might be a tall order, because the others have more experience at this than he has. For example, Dalek Snowdon has proposed that all stairways in the city be abolished and replaced with ramps. That is a magnificently wasteful and purposeless idea, which is what Aucklanders admire most; but is it really any different from the waterfront stadium project of Dick Hubbard, or WIL’s Matiatia development backed by John Banks?

It turns out that Dalek Snowdon’s major strength in this regard has nothing to do with his Dalekness. What really sets him apart from his opponents is his honesty — a quality that human candidates could have if they tried, but none has. Every mayor in recent memory has strutted into office promising lower rates and more local input into local decisions, and then has done exactly the opposite. Dalek Snowdon makes no such promises. His platform includes confiscatory rates, the abolition of democracy and the elimination of humans from the city. These are, of course, the unstated outcomes of every candidate’s policies, but Dalek Snowdon is the only one to espouse them openly. There is something refreshing, even bracing about that. Aucklanders could well decide to reward such candor, reasoning that it’s all going to happen anyway, so let’s get it over with.

So Auckland could well be ready for a Dalek mayor. But is Dalek Snowdon the best Dalek for the job? Unfortunately, he has several weaknesses that his opponents will no doubt want to spotlight. For example, his campaign literature has portrayed him as a family man and defender of the rights of the minority Dalek community. Will this kinder, gentler Dalek not undermine the ruthless, pig-headed image that Aucklanders clearly crave? Furthermore, as his opponents and the press inevitably focus more attention on his family, certain unpleasant facts are sure to emerge. Although his wife Jessica seems above reproach, their son Jeremy has been seen applying WD40 to some of his more intimate balljoints, and daughter Amanda is rumoured to hang out with a gang of unsavoury meat-locker refrigerators. It would appear that Dalek Snowdon has been spending too much time with his pest control business, and not enough time burnishing his image as a firm leader, even within his own home.

But images, as John Banks has proven, are transient things, easily manipulable with the right combination of brassiness and Photoshop. It is up to Dalek Snowdon and his campaign staff to re-emphasise their candidate’s bad-tempered right-wing credentials. He can win, but only if he succeeds in making the Business Roundtable look despicably human. He needs to jettison the “just plain folks” approach and establish himself as the heartless leader that Aucklanders will look up to, and that his Dalek upbringing qualifies him to be.

A new broom sweeps clean, they say. The nappy principle will guarantee that Auckland’s mayoralty gets its clothes changed. It is Dalek Snowdon’s challenge to ensure that the next nappy is a truly clean one, not just the same soiled rag from three years ago.

Waiheke Island, September 2007

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